


What am I supposed to do...?

by Kc8899



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, 5sos are famous, Alternate Universe - Future, Depressed!Ashton, Depression, F/M, Hospital, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Self Harm, Twitter, twitter hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kc8899/pseuds/Kc8899
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton Irwin lost his girlfriend three years ago, he's still struggling to cope. He doesn't do it in the best ways... (I promise it's Lashton once you get past the first part)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

What am I supposed to do...

 

Ashton grabs his cellphone to call his girlfriend, Haven, as soon as he gets off the plane. He's so excited to see her. He dials her number quickly, having had memorized it a while ago. When she doesn't answer he doesn't think much of it; it's late and she's not aware that he's coming home today, it's a surprise. Ashton gets through security quickly and tries to call Haven again, but she still doesn't answer. Instead of worrying he just hurries to the car taking him home so he can get to her faster. 

He's sitting in the car on the way home when his phone starts to receive all the texts that were sent to him while he was on the plane. He gets a lot of "have a safe flight" texts that were sent after he had already switched his phone to airplane mode. He gets some weird ones from the rest of the boys, somehow the flights got messed up and they were all on a different flight coming home tomorrow everyone decided Ashton should have the earlier flight so he could get home to Haven sooner. 

**From: Lukey :-)**  
Dude you should really check your phone -Luke

 **From: Cliffoconda**  
You need to call your girlfriend like now -M

 **From: Cash Money**  
Hey Ash, you probably want to talk to Haven -Cal

After reading these texts Ashton was really confused, what's wrong with Haven? He thought to himself. He finishes going through his texts and sees one sent the exact time he shut his phone off. It was from Haven.

 **From: Haven <3**  
I can't do this ~Haven 

As soon as Ashton reads this he opens his phone app and calls Haven again, he gets her voice mail. "Hi Haven, it's Ash. I don't know what's going on but I love you, okay? Please call me." He says after her little message. Of course he calls her again, and again, and again. He doesn't even notice that he's arrived at his house until the driver tells him. He gets out of the car, almost forgets his suitcase, and runs inside without even thanking the driver. He throws his suitcase on the ground and grabs his keys running to his car so he can get to Haven's house as fast as possible.

While he's driving he tries to call her again, he leaves a longer voice mail this time. "Hey, baby it's Ash again. Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour now. I'm on my way to Your house right now. Is it the fans? I know they give you a hard time, but baby I don't care what they say and you shouldn't either. But I still love you--always baby." And the recording cuts out. He calls again, another voice mail. "I got your text baby, what do you mean 'I can't do this?' Baby, is the hate getting to you? Please ignore the hate baby, you're beautiful and amazing and I love you. Who cares what the fans think? I know the fans can be pretty harsh sometimes, baby, but I thought you said you were okay? I shouldn't have gone on tour. I should have been with you." The recording cuts out again. Now he's at Haven's house, pounding on the door. He calls again. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your text, I was on the plane. I have a surprise for you baby please come open the door. I hope you're okay, you haven't been answering my calls, promise me that everything's fine, please? I'm at you're house baby please open the door." This time when the recording cuts out Ashton starts to cry. He knows something's wrong and he just hopes it's not what he thinks. Ashton reaches under the mat for the spare key to Haven's house thanking whatever god there might be that the key is still there. 

Ashton unlocks the door and walks in, calling Haven again. "I can make everything okay baby I promise, I love you so god damn much." Ashton says through his tears. He walks into the house and it's dark, like nobody's there and he hopes with all his might that that's the case. "Baby, why aren't you home? Where are you? Baby, why is your house empty? Please please tell me." He walks further into the house spotting a single light shining at the end of the hall--Haven's bathroom. His heart fills with dread because he knows what happens next, he knows what he's going to find in that bathroom. He walks down the hall slowly, the tears pouring down his face. 'Please be okay, please be okay,' he chants in his head over and over again. He realizes that he's still recording a voice mail and starts talking again, "Baby, please don't let what I'm thinking be true. Please. Baby, please, it can't end like this. I need you here with me, please baby." 

He walks into the bathroom and finds Haven lying on the ground, her wrists and thighs filled with gashes. Blood, there's blood everywhere. He gasps the world seeming to stop for a moment. He whispers, "Baby, I, I love you. What am I going to do with the ring now?" before dropping his phone and running to Haven's side. He wants to check for a pulse but he doesn't want to hurt her wrists any more than they already are. So, he puts his head right next to her chest and listens for a heart beat. He can hear one but it's very faint. 

It's kind of hypnotic, the faint thump thump, thump thump coming from her heart. He doesn't realize that she's still alive and can be saved until the thumping starts to slow down. He reaches to his pocket for his phone to dial triple zero and ask for an ambulance. When his hand reaches his pocket he remembers he dropped his phone at the bathroom door. Ashton crawls over to the door frantically searching the floor for the device. As soon as he finds it he hits the zero key three times before hitting call and holding the phone up to his ear. As it rings he crawls back over to Haven and gently pulls her into his lap. The phone rings for to long, much to long. 

Finally someone answers, "Hello triple zero, how may I help you?" The overly friendly voice asks.

Ashton tries to reply but can't get much out through his sobs. "M-m-my g-g-gir-girl-girl-f-f-fre-friend-end-d."

"Sir, sir please calm down." The lady interrupts. This makes Ashton mad, how can she be telling him to calm down his girlfriend is dying!

"I-I can't c-c-calm down-n-n, my girlfriend-d-d t-t-tried to c-c-commit suicide-de!" He yells through his tears.

"Sir, we have dispatched and ambulance to your location. Can you please stay on the line until they arrive and I'll try to talk you through things." She says, much more concerned now that she heard what had happened. "Can you please tell me your name?"

"A-Ashton-on Ir-Irwin-n-n. You-u can-n s-save her r-r-right?" He sounds completely broken talking to the unknown woman. 

"Well Ashton Irwin, my daughter loves your band very much. My names Judy incase you were wondering. Now could you please tell me if your girlfriend is breathing?"

Ashton immediately leans his ear down towards Haven's ear to check, hoping that it's not to late. He can feel more than hear the slight movement of air near his cheek, she's breathing but barely. "Y-yah she i-is. She's breathing." His crying seems to have calmed down a bit and now he's more shocked than anything.

"That's good. The ambulance should be there any minute Ashton. When they get there you need to let them take Haven so they can make her better, okay?" Judy says, sounding like she's talking to a child.

"O-okay, yah. They'll fix her right? They can save her?" Ashton asks feeling lost. He doesn't even know what to think anymore. What if Haven doesn't make it? How would he be able to live without her? He has to force himself to stop thinking by gently taping out a beat on Haven's leg. His mind goes to a different place and he can no longer hear Judy talking to him through the phone. He's still responding he just doesn't know what he's saying to what's going on around him. 

Before he knows it Ashton can hear sirens going off and someone is taking Haven from his arms. Ashton just holds on to her tighter, he can't lose her, he can't. 

"Hey, hey buddy you need to let her go. We can't help her if you don't let go." A kind voice whispers to Ashton.

It takes him a second to realize that the paramedics have arrived and he needs to let them take Haven to the hospital. "Can I ride in the ambulance?" He asks quietly while handing Haven to the man that was whispering to him. The paramedic puts Haven on a gurney just outside the bathroom before turning to Ashton. Ashton watches the other paramedics rush her out of his vision and into an ambulance. 

"Yah, buddy you can. Come on, we have to hurry." He says patting Ashton's shoulder and pulling him out of his trance. The two jog to the ambulance and hop in the back. The vehicle speeds off as soon as the doors close.

The next two hours are a blur for Ashton. All he remembers is being pushed out of the ambulance, walking by the gurney that Haven was on Haven and being told he's not allowed to go any further. He's now been sitting in a waiting room for who knows how long and no one will tell him anything because he's not family. 

Not to long later Ashton realizes that he should probably call the buys and tell them what's happening, their flight isn't until tomorrow anyway so he doesn't have to worry about that and the hospital already called Haven's parents who are currently on vacation trying to find a flight home. Ashton decides to call Luke and just have him tell the other boys, it's easier that way. Wiping the tears off his face he picks up his phone and hits Luke's speed dial. The phone doesn't ever ring, Luke answers right away. 

"Ashton! Why didn't you call us when your plane landed! We thought you had died!" Luke yells into Ashton's ear. 

"I'm sorry Lukey" he sniffles in reply. 

"Ash? Are you crying? What's wrong, what happened?" Luke asks his anger forgotten. 

"I-it's Haven, s-s-she-e's i-in," Ashton's cut off by his own sobs.

"Ash, what's wrong with Haven? Please tell me." Luke says now frantic. All of the boys loved Haven, she was basically part of the band, and they all knew about Ashton's plan to propose so with the text Haven sent out earlier, Luke had every right to be worried. "Ashton please calm down and tell me what's happened."

"Haven's in the hospital, she tried to commit-" for some reason Luke heard that loud and clear even through Ashton's sobs.

 

"I-is she okay, Ash? Is she going to make it?"

"I-I-I d-don-t-t-t kn-kn-know-w t-t-thay w-w-won't-won't t-tell m-m-me-e!" 

"Why not? They have to tell you! You're her boyfriend!" And suddenly Luke is mad again but this time at the hospital staff, not Ashton.

"Because I'm not family. Lukey what if she doesn't make it and they don't tell me? What if she's already dead?" Ashton's sobs have subsided for now but tears are still pouring down his face.

"Ashton Fletcher Irwin, do not talk like that! Haven is going to be fine! I'm sure they'll come and tell you what's going on any minute now." 

"But Lukey what if it's true?" Ashton whispers completely heartbroken.

"It's not true Ash, Haven is going to be fine. You have to believe that." Luke replies sternly. 

"Luke, I have to go now. A doctor just walked in to the waiting room and I think it's about Haven." Ashton says after a long pause. 

"Okay Ash, I'll tell the boys for you. Please stay strong, we'll get there as soon as we can." Luke replies before Ashton hangs up.

It turns out that the doctor wasn't there to talk to Ashton, rather some family over in the corner opposite to him. Ashton has to wait another hour before he's told anything about Haven. Ashton sees a doctor in his mid forties walk into the waiting room out of the corner of his eye and just dismisses him, no ones telling Ashton anything anyway. 

"I'm looking for an Ashton Irwin?"

Ashton practically runs over to the doctor. "That's me, I'm Ashton. How's Haven? Is she okay?" He says, talking a mile a minute. 

"She's not good but she's stable. You can see her now but she's sleeping. She should wake up in a couple hours though." 

"Thank you, thank you so much." Ashton says as he walks around the doctor to the door.

"Hey, kid? Don't you want to know what room she's in?" 

"O-oh, yeah. Yeah I do." 

"Room 163, down the hall and to the left. Go to your girl, she needs you."

"Thanks." Ashton runs through the doors that lead to the rooms where overnight patients stay. He continues to run through the halls reading the room numbers as he goes. Before he knows it he's at room 163. He stares at the door questioning if he actually want to go in or not. He stands there for what feels like 30 minutes but was actually only one before reaching for the door knob and going in. 

The sight that greets him is nothing like he was expecting, it's much, much worse. Haven was extremely pale, so pale that she looked whiter than the sheet over her. She looked so small lying in the the hospital bed. She looked so broken hooked up to about a million machines and it shattered Ashton's heart to see her that way.

Still slightly dazed, Ashton walked over to the chair beside Haven's bed and sat down. He didn't know what to do, or what to think as the reality of the situation crashed down over him. 

His girlfriend has tried to commit suicide. She's still in the hospital. She might not be okay. He's not okay. Ashton isn't okay and he starts bawling, the tears pouring down his face and snot running out of his nose. His whole world has just shattered before his eyes and he's only now realized it. 

Ashton doesn't know how much time has passed but it feels like he's been crying for days. He has migrated a bit and is now resting his head on the side of Haven's bed, slumped over, holding her hand. Some nurses have come and gone but never saying anything to Ashton, not even asking him to move. They bring him some food but he doesn't touch it, just the thought of eating right now makes him sick. He pulls out his phone to check the time and to see if his friends have landed yet, he thinks they should be close now. 

7:27, the numbers mock him. He's been in this hospital for a total three hours, two of them spent with Haven in her room. She was supposed to wake up an hour and a half ago. Why isn't she awake? She needs to wake up. 

After he gets over the fact that Haven's not awake yet, well not over but past, yeah past. Once he gets past the fact that Haven's not awake yet, Ashton checks his texts. He got one from Michael about an hour ago saying that the flight was delayed and they probably won't be back any time soon. Deciding that he needs to talk to someone he hits call on Michael's contact and brings the phone up to his ear, never letting go of Haven's hand. 

The phone rings for a while before Michael answers, "Hey buddy. Luke told us what happened. How you holding up?" 

"Not well Mikey. She was supposed to wake up an hour and a half ago and she's still not up. What if she never wakes up? What would I do Mikey? I don't think I can live without her." Ashton's crying again, he though he had run out of tears but it looks like his body found more. 

"She'll be fine Ash, she's in one of the best hospitals in Sydney, they'll save her. They'll make sure she's okay." 

Ashton continues to talk to Michael for the next hour, not really paying attention to the conversation but using it as a distraction at the same time. Michael was in the middle of telling a story about how some fans had found them at the airport and meeting them when Haven starts to wake up. Ashton thinks it's just his mind playing a trick on him at first. Just his imagine that she squeezed his hand but it happened again, and again. 

"Mikey, Mikey, she's waking up. She's waking up, I have to go. Bye Mikey." With that Ashton hangs up his phone and clutches Haven's hand in both of his leaning to whisper in her ear. "Haven, baby? Can you hear me? I need you baby, I need you to come back to me. Please baby, open your eyes. Open your beautiful eyes for me baby." 

"A-Ashy?" It's a very faint whisper but it's something, and that's more that Ashton had an hour ago. 

"Yah baby, it's me. Come on, open your eyes." Ashton leans even closer to Haven, hoping to notice something, anything moving in her face. He's watching intently, waiting for her eyes to open, and slowly they do. She's squinting most likely because it's really bright in here but her eyes are open. She's awake.

"Ashton, I'm sorry." Haven whispers her voice scratchy and raw. 

"You don't have to be sorry baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't here and didn't see this coming. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry."

"No Ash, it's not your fault, I love you so much. You're perfect and were nothing but nice to me. This was enviable, I've been depressed practically my whole life and I've knows since I was 12 that I was going to be the one to cause my death. I knew I was going to go on my terms and no one else's. I know you tried but there was nothing you could have done. I was beyond broken before we met and you've helped but it's not enough, nothing's going to be enough." Haven speaks like she already given up, like she know she's not going to leave this hospital alive and that brakes Ashton's heart to pieces.

"No, no baby. Don't talk like that. You're going to live through this and we're going to grow old together like we promised remember? We were going to settle down, have a couple kids and raise them together." Ashton says sounding more desperate as he speaks.

"Ashton" Haven whispers, he looks into her eyes. "I need you to move on once I'm gone, you deserve to be happy and find someone who can be happy with you. Please tell me you'll move on and find someone else, someone who makes you happy. Please Ashton please make sure you're happy. Nothing else matters, just be happy." Haven finishes in a very faint whisper he voice having been slowly dying out. She closes her eyes and it looks like she's sleeping but Ashton can hear the beeping of her heart monitor slowing down.

He's much to shocked to push the call button like he knows he should. He can't think past Haven's monologue--how does she expect him to just move on? In the distance he still hears the sound of the heart monitor indicating that Haven has flatlined. He vaguely feels someone moving him and hears people panicking in the background. He can faintly hear the sound of someone yelling clear for the defibrillator a few times before silence. The world fades to silence and he hears someone calling time. It's like everything's happening in slow motion but he stands up and yells, just screams and then everything's happening to fast. He's being taken from the room and walked through the hospital to a different room where he is left alone. All alone. So he sits down on the floor and cries.

Cries to his hearts content.


	2. Chapter 2

Ashton wakes up with a start, tears filling his eyes, and rolls over to burry his head into the chest of the person next to him. Strong arms wrap around him and he just cries harder. "Ash, what's the matter? Did you have the dream again?" A deep voice asks. 

Ashton sniffles and tries to reply but can't get the words out so he nods his head "yes."

The arms wrap tighter around him, "oh, I'm so sorry Ash. I wish that horrible dream would stop coming back. You don't deserve the pain of reliving that so often." 

"B-but it's not a d-dream Lukey," sniffle, "it's a me-m-mory" Ashton says with only minimal difficulty.

"I know Ashy baby. I know." Luke sits up and pulls Ashton into his lap so he can comfort him better. "I know how much you loved her, we all loved her, I just wish these memories would leave you alone." He sighs and presses a kiss to the top of Ashton's head.

"Lukey, I just can't help but miss her. I know that it's almost been three years but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. Please don't get me wrong I love you to death Lukey, I love you so much, but she was my first love and it's still hard to remember her sometimes." Ashton says, burying his face into Luke's chest again. 

"I understand baby because you're my first love and I don't know what I would do with out you." Luke replies his voice suddenly in a whisper. 

"I'll try not to fuck it up." Ashton says with a humorless laugh. 

Luke reaches for Ashton's chin and gently turns his head so they're face to face, "you won't fuck it up. You're perfect." Luke leans down and gently pecks Ashton's lips. 

Ashton wants to disagree but he doesn't, deciding that Luke is not one to be argued with in the mornings. "I'm going to take a shower," Ashton says trying to pull out to Luke's arms. This only makes Luke tighten his arms around the smaller boy, firmly holding him down.

"No, stay here with me." Luke has laid down now, effectively pulling Ashton with him. "Let's just waste all day in bed."

"Well that really wouldn't be a waste of a day now would it? But sadly we can't, we have to meat with Mike and Cal for songwriting in like," he pauses to look at the time on his phone, "twenty minutes."

"Oh right," Luke groans releasing Ashton. "Why did we agree to do that so early again?"

"It's really not that early Lukey, we just sleep forever." He says showing Luke the screen if his iPhone.

"Oh, wow. Is it really noon thirty already?" 

"Did you really just say noon thirty?" Ashton giggles, his grin on full display dimples and all. 

"Yes I did, you wanna know why?" Luke asks smiling just as big. Not even waiting for Ashton to reply he starts talking again. "I said noon thirty because I wanted to see you smile, you are so beautiful when you smile and I hate to see you sad so I just wanted to cheer you-" he's cut off by soft lips gently pressing onto his own. 

"Lukey, you were rambling but thanks. I really needed that." They kiss again. "For the record, you're gorgeous when you smile and I think you should always smile." 

"That sounds like a good idea now but what if I was smiling at a really bad time, like what if Cal, Mikey, or even you got hurt and I was smiling? That wouldn't be very good now would it?"

"Well, no I guess that wouldn't be good." Ashton replies solemnly.

"Aw, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up our friends getting hurt I'm sorry Ashy. Please be happy." Luke says franticly. 

Ashton breaks out in laughter, a huge smile covering his face, "I-I go-ot you-u!" Ashton can barely talk through his laughter. 

Luke gently hits Ashton's shoulder, "I thought you were actually upset you prick." 

"Sorry Lukey" Ashton replies, smile never leaving his cheeks. 

The two are pulled out of their moment by someone knocking on the door of their hotel room. "Oh, shit. Cal, and Mikey. We're late." Luke says tumbling out of bed and to he door. Fumbling with the lock and struggling to open the door, Luke yells at Mike or Cal to stop pounding. "Seriously, stop it!" He yells finally getting the door open. 

"What took you so long? I've been standing here for like an hour!" Calum says.

"It was more like a minute Cal," Luke replies. "Sorry were not ready, Ash and I got a bit caught up talking."

"Of course that's what you were doing," Calum smirks. 

Blushing head to to, Luke stutters a reply, "I-I swear, t-that's all we were doing!"

"Okay, if you say so Lukey." Suddenly Luke is pushed out of the way and Calum is walking into the room. "Ashton! Why are you and Lukey late?" He yells knowing Ashton would tell the truth, often bragging about having sex with Luke. 

"We were talking, sorry!" He hears from somewhere in the room.

"Darn, you weren't lying, well go get dressed then Lukey. We have to go!" Calum pats Luke's ass as hey walks away earning a slap in his general direction from Luke and a "hey! Mine" from Ash. "Haha, sorry Ashy. I won't do it again."

"You always say that and you always do it again." A fully clothed Ashton says walking over to Calum. "You really should hurry Lukey, we don't want to be even later." It doesn't take Luke long to get dressed and in no time they're all walking out of the rooming down the hall to the elevator. "Where's Mikey?" Ashton asks as if only just realizing his presence is missing. 

"He's in the lobby. We were waiting for you slow fucks but you took to long so I came up here to get you." 

"Well sorry, no need for the name calling." Luke laughs. The rest of the elevator ride is quiet, the three boys just listening to the cheesy music. The elevator dings as it reached the lobby and the three boys walk out looking for Michael. It only takes a couple minutes to find him before they all walk out the front doors and to a nearby park, they almost always write songs in parks nowadays. The first park they come to has a playground so Luke, like the chile he is, runs to it and starts climbing. 

"Lucas! You're like 20, why are on the playground?" Michael asks. 

"Because I can be, I don't see anyone stoping me." Luke replies.

With Luke distracted by Michael, Ashton decides to run around and tackle him from behind. Right before he jumps Calum yells, "Luke! Look out!" 

Luke turns around and sees the older boy in mid jump about to land on him. "Ahhh! Oomph. Ash get off me." He groans. 

"Sorry Lukey, I thought it would be a good idea." Ashton says in reply, still a bit out of breath. 

"Okay, now that that's over... Lets write a song!" Calum yells. Ash and Luke get off the ground and walk over the the bench that Calum and Michael are sitting on but there's not enough room for all of them to fit so Ash and Luke just sit on the ground facing Mike and Cal. 

"Was someone smart enough to bring a guitar?" Luke asks having forgotten his.

"Yeah, if you didn't notice we both have ours." Calum says gesturing to himself, Michael, and the guitars the two are holding.

"Oh, wow. I don't know how I missed that." Luke replies, astonished at this new information. "So, ideas, inspiration, anything?" He asks looking at each boy.

"Um well, I may have something?" Ashton says sounding shy and withdrawn. Receiving a small nod from Luke he pulls out his pocket song journal and looks for the page. Upon finding it he reads it over deciding on the part he wants to share. "Well, it's probably not any good. I haven't thought of any music to even how it would be sung but I have some lyrics that I've written."

"Well read them then," Calum says gently, knowing how shy Ashton is with his song ideas. 

"O-okay, this is it - _You needed me_  
 _And I needed you_  
 _But neither really knew_  
 _Just how bad_  
 _Everything had gotten_  
 _Just how sad_  
 _We were inside_." Ashton finishes reading and everyone is silent, it seems like even the park around them has fallen silent even though they know that's not the case. "It's probably shit, I'm sorry I said anything. Let's just pretend I didn't." 

"No, no, Ash. That's good. Really good." Michael says, still slightly astonished by how vulnerable Ashton is being. "That's about Haven right?" He asks already knowing the answer. 

"Yeah, yeah I wrote that about her." Ashton practically whispers, "I can't get her off my mind recently." Luke pulls Ash into a side hug, trying to show Ashton how much he is loved in the small gesture. 

"Well it makes sense why you'd be thinking about her, the three year anniversary is coming up soon," Calum says softly. 

"Y-yeah, so I-I was thinking-g that may-maybe that could be-e l-like a p-pre-chorus o-or something." Ashton mutters suddenly extremely nervous. "A-and I h-have a bit-t m-more."

"Well let's hear it then!" Calum says, his voice sounding thunderous in comparison to Ashton's whisper. 

"O-okay. - _Cause I'm not okay_  
 _I don't want to here you say_  
 _It's fine, you're fine, it'll all work out some day_  
 _But when will I be_  
 _Allowed to stop pretending_  
 _Pretending that I'm strong enough_  
 _I'm just so sick of this_  
I-I don't know, I was really down when I wrote this, maybe we shouldn't use it."

"I think we should because it's real, it's you, and it's really powerful." Luke says nuzzling into Ashton's neck and whispering an "I love you" that Ashton shyly returns.

"Yeah I agree with Luke, I think it's really good and we can totally make a song out of it." Michael says. The three younger boys mess around with chords and trying out different ways of singing the lyrics. The song isn't finished when they decide to call it a night but it's pretty dang close. They have all of the lyrics written and decided how they're going to be sung. They also have the rhythm guitar part and the bass part done. It seems like this song was meant to be, most of it coming together in one long day at work.


	3. Chapter 3

Ashton always tries his best with everything he does. He always gives 100% and if it was possible to give more he would. His band is obviously included in this, his band means the world to him. Without 5 Seconds of Summer Ashton would be lost. He would have never met his three best friends and even many of his other close friends. Oh, and don't even get me started on the fans. The fans make the band, without them there truly wouldn't be a band so they mean just as much to Ashton as anyone else he knows. The fans are truly family to him, and the other boys too, but with saying that, when hate comes from them, the 5sosfam, it hurts so much more. To Ashton, receiving hate from the fans is just as bad as getting hate from a family member or a best friend. So when he got on twitter after an already rough day and sees people claiming to be fans hating on his band, he gets angry and when he's angry he does stupid things. So he tweeted about it.

 **@Ashton5SOS:** Be with us, or against us, don't like what we are doing, it's fine, this is the real shit, all for the fans, don't dare tell me otherwise.

He knows he shouldn't have tweeted it but it felt good, if he was being honest with himself it felt really good to get that off his chest. He checks his notifications to see how people are responding to the tweet and shockingly most of them seem worried about him, so he replies to a random one explaining that he was fine.

 **@Ashton5SOS: @guccihxmmings** I'm not sad, I'm sick of seeing fans Baggin us out, we work so damn hard for you guys x

Realizing that it may not have been as bad as he thought he goes to his timeline and just scrolls through, looking at all the tweets his lovely fans have tweeted. He doesn't see anything negative relating to his tweet and he's relieved but he still has to check the feed on the band account, they follow more fans than he does on his personal. He doesn't see anything at first but then he notices something, an indirect to him.

 **@5SOS_Penguins:** If you cant take criticism from your fans how are you going to manage in the music industry 

This makes him mad. How can the fans not appreciate everything we do? He thinks. He let's his anger take over again and replies to the proof girl who didn't even expect 5sos to see her tweet.

 **@5SOS: @5SOS_Penguins** listen here, what would you know about the music industry, we are doing our best, thanks for the comment though - ash

Almost as soon as Ashton hits tweet he regrets it. He wants to take it back but he know it's already to late, fans have already seen it and they're going to make a bigger deal out of it if he deletes it. So he decides to leave it up and hope that nothing to big happens from this.

He tries to get off twitter and let it just blow over but he just can't, it doesn't feel right being mean to the fans and he hates it. Not being able to stop himself he picks up his phone and opens his personal twitter. It doesn't take him long to compose a tweet, he just lets the love for his fans flow out into twitter. As soon as he finishes typing he hits 'tweet' not wanting to lose his courage.

 **@Ashton5SOS:** Excited to see ya beautiful faces in the crowd tonight, it is my favorite thing in the world playing live to you.. 

The first thing he sees after sending the tweet is a reply, and it's not very nice. 

**@hemmingsunite: @Ashton5SOS** guilt tweeting again are we

Ashton doesn't really know why he's so mad tonight but it's like all the anger he's built up inside since, well since Haven is just coming out now, and the fans being jerks is only making it worse.

 **@Ashton5SOS: @hemmingsunite** I'm not gonna bullshit, I love you all, but I'll stand up for my band no matter who it is

Ashton knows he's gone to far now. He's called out two fans in one night and it's only 6pm! He knows he really should have gotten off twitter without checking the band account for replies, he knows he was basically looking to creat drama but he really need to let some of his anger out. He just couldn't hold it in anymore and the fans just happened to be the ones to get the blunt go the blow. The tweet doesn't stay up for long, Ashton just hates hated to much for it and needed to take it down. He decides that he needs to get off twitter right now because he's not ready for the backlash he knows he's going to get.

Ashton wants to go find Luke but he's off song writing with Calum and Michael is on a date or something like that so he's forced to sit alone in his hotel room. He doesn't want to think about twitter right now so he tries to find some good tv to watch. He finds the channel guide on the bedside table and gets himself comfortable by putting on his pajamas before flopping down on the bed and snuggling into the covers. It's just then that he realizes that he's forgotten the remote and has to walk across the room to get it but of course before he gets up he checks to see if he's developed the force without knowing trying to get the remote to come to him. It doesn't work. 

After he's finally gotten the remote and made himself comfortable in the huge king sized bed he flicks on the tv and searches through all the channels he's come to know over his past stays in America. He can't find anything good on any of them, well either that or he's just to picky. In a last ditch attempt to be entertained he looks through the channel guide looking for stations that sound like they might have something good on them, he settles for Food Network thinking he's seen Michael watch that before and some of the shows are good. It takes him a couple of tries to get the channel right because the stupid remote is dying but finally it works and he sees cupcake wars is on. He's seen this show a couple times and it's pretty good and it's an hour long so he could probably get back in twitter when it's done. 

Ashton falls asleep during the show and wakes up halfway through a different one. He looks at the clock and realizes that he's slept for somewhere around three hours and assumes it's safe to get on twitter again. He pulls up the app on his phone, leaving the tv running for background noise, and goes on his personal account. He does the first thing he always does when he gets on twitter which is checking his mentions and wow he really should not have done that. The first tweet he sees is a horrible one aimed at him telling him to cut again, telling him that he was worthless. He clicks on the hashtag in the tweet and looks at all of the tweets. 

**@Harry_Stylesxl: @Ashton5SOS #KeepCuttingAshtonYoureTrash** he needs to hit a vein! He's worthless

 **@grylesupdates: #KeepCuttingAshtonYoureTrash** Keep Going Until Your Arm Looks like This **pic.twitter/1628901937**

Ashton felt like shit. All he did was stand up for his band and he's getting told to kill himself. He knows that he should stop, he should see if that fam made any nice hashtags about him but he just can't stop himself. He just can't stop reading all the horrible tweets. Of course there's some people saying how bad the hashtag is but he doesn't even register those, he just keeps reading the bad ones. There's one saying to "cut down the road not across the street" and he knows that's another death wish upon him. It seems like everyone wants him dead and he's starting to agree with them. Maybe he should be dead, everything would be easier. He's sure that the and could find a new drummer and Luke would move on and find a nice pretty girl to marry. His death wouldn't affect anyone but him, so why not? He goes to his feed seeing if there's anything else there. 

**@hemmscake:** people are still trying to trend that hashtag about ashton. if he came online ans saw that, i can't imagine how he'd feel

Ashton decides to respond to this one, maybe telling the people that he's seen it will make them stop.

 **@Ashton5SOS: @hemmscake** I've seen it

He then checks the trends on twitter to see if those haters actually got it trending, they didn't but there were two other trends about him. #KeepSmilingAshtonWeLoveYou and #20ReasonsWhyWeLoveAshton they were the top two trends. He decides not to read the tweets but make a tweet telling the fans that he's fine, even though he's not, so they don't worry. He doesn't want the fans to worry. 

**@Ashton5SOS:** Thanks for all the messages guys, I'm all good, just wanna make you guys happy ya know, love ya x

After sending that Ashton goes back to the hashtag telling him to cut and reads as many tweets as he can find. He needs to know why these people hate him. He needs to read everything, it's an addiction. The more tweets he reads the more down he feels but he just can't stop. He can't stop his thumb from scrolling through the feed, reading everything he sees and before he knows it his phone is thrown across the room and he's digging in his suitcase for the blade he's kept there just incase for years. 

Ashton doesn't even know what he's doing it's like the urge had taken over his body and he has no control. He walks into the bathroom somehow knowing he's going to have to hide. He locks the door before sitting on the floor and pulling of all of his bracelets. He hadn't noticed how tight he was clutching the blade, or that it cut into his hand but now that he sees it it's like his brain goes into a frenzy. He doesn't cut too deep because even though he's slightly out if it he knows that he doesn't want to die. The sting of the blade cutting into his arm is addictive and he can't stop. He cuts again and again, until there's got to be at least thirty new cuts. When he calms down he notices the blood. There's blood all over the floor, his clothes, and his arm. It's too much blood, he must have cut deeper than he thought. He grabs the first cloth thing he can find and wraps it tight around the cuts, the bleeding needs to stop. He doesn't want to die, he doesn't. He's starting to get dizzy, he needs to do something else, he needs help.

 _Luke! When is Luke supposed to be back? He can save me. Luke I need Luke._ Ashton thinks. He opens the bathroom door and looks for his phone, oh right, I broke it. He's staRting to get really dizzy now, he's probably lost to much blood. He needs to think fast. How can he get ahold of Luke? He looks around the room for anything, anything so he can communicate with Luke. Finally his eyes land on the hotel landline. He can call Luke on that! But what's Luke's American phone number? American phone numbers confuse him when he can think straight let alone when he can't. Finally he thinks of a number that might be Luke's so he dials it praying that it works. 

The phone rings and rings then finally goes to voicemail but it's Luke's voicemail, he had the right number. He calls back and this time gets an answer.

"Hello? Who is this?" Luke asks. 

"L-Lukey, L-Lukey. I-it's me-e-e A-Ash." He didn't realize he was crying until he couldn't speak properly. 

"Ashton? What's going on? Why are you crying?" Luke sounds really worried now but that's probably because he is.

"I-I-I n-nee-d you-u L-Luke. P-please-e c-c-come-e b-back." Ashton's sobbing now, his arm is in searing pain and he doesn't remember it never hurting this bad. He doesn't wand to die, he needs Luke to come save him. 

"Okay, okay Ash I'm coming." Luke says slightly out of breath from running back to the hotel. "Ashton, I need you to do something for me okay? Can you do something for me?"

Ashton nods before remembering he's talking on the phone "y-y-yeah."

"Okay, I need you to go across the hall and pound on the door until Mikey answers okay? Don't hang up the phone though, just set it down and when Mikey answers bring him back to our room so I can talk to both of you, okay? Can you do that for me?"

"Y-yeah. O-okay-y." Ashton sets the phone on the table next to the receiver and runs across the hall to get Mikey. If Luke needs Mikey he'll get Mikey. Ashton pounds on the door as hard as he can yelling at Michael to open the door, not even knowing if he's back from his date yet. Luckily Michael is in his room and opens the door telling Ashton to calm down. 

"C-comeon. N-needtot-talktolukey." Ashton's words run together as he is finding it hard to breath. 

Michael let's Ashton pull him into the room across the hall noticing that he has one of the nice hotel towels wrapped around his arm and it's covered in blood. Something's wrong and he needs to know what. 

Ashton drags Michael's into the room and hands him the phone before sitting down very out of breath. 

"Hello?" Michael says, very confused. 

"Michael! Finally! I think Ashton's cut again and you need to get him to the hospital. He sounded kind of out if it when he called me and I'm to far away to get to him. I'll meet you guys there but please hurry Michael." Luke says franticly. 

"Yeah, yeah okay. I'll get him there Luke, don't worry." Michael hangs up the phone and walks over to Ashton the kid looks totally out of it, struggling to breath and whispering "I don't wanna die" repeatedly under his breath. Michael grabs a big sweatshirt and pulls it over his head, he doesn't want the fans to know yet. After he gets the sweatshirt on good enough he picks Ashton up not even trusting the older boy to try to walk and carries him to the elevator. He gets to the ground floor and finds one of their security people by the front door. 

"Jeff!" He yells and the man turns to him. "Please don't ask questions but u need you to drive us to the nearest hospital right now."

"Okay, hurry this way." Jeff says pointing to the car waiting out front. "Be careful getting in." Jeff jumps in the driver seat and drives probably over the speed limit but I'm sure anyone pulling them over would understand.

The car ride to the hospital seems to drag on but also flash by. Michael doesn't understand how that is possible but it happened. Ashton passed out about half way through so the car came to a stop outside the emergency room doors he jumps out of the car and carries Ashton into the building. The first thing he sees is a large room full of sick and injured people waiting to be treated but he doesn't have time to wait. He has no clue how bad off Ashton is and he still needs to call Luke to tell him what hospital they're at. Finally he spots a desk with a receptionist siting behind it, hopefully she can help him.

"Um, excuse me?" He says trying to get her attention. She looks up. "My friend, he's lost a lot of blood and I think he may be dying." He says trying to remain as calm as possible.

"Oh my. Okay one second let me call this in," she says before grabbing the phone and franticly calling for a stretcher and a room. Michael is glad she's actually helpful because he's heard tons of stories where the hospital receptionist lady wasn't helpful at all. 

Michael was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice that a nurse had shown up with a stretcher and in the process of removing Ashton from his arms. "Wa-what are you doing?" He asks reflexively holding onto Ashton even tighter than before. "Can't I go with him?" Michael asks. He needs to be with Ashton, Luke would kill him if he let Ashton out of his sight.

"No, kid you can't. Now if you want tour friend to live I would suggest you put him on this stretcher." 

Michael immediately set Ashton down, partly because the nurse scared him and partly because he needs Ashton to live. The stretcher is rushed away and Michael is left standing there dumbfounded.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sorry about that kid, she's new and easily stressed out. Here, please fill out as much of these as you can. Don't write anything unless you're 100% sure, got it?" The receptionist from before says handing him a clipboard of forms. 

Michael takes the clipboard and walks over to an empty chair still very confused as to how the American medical system works and extremely worried about Ashton. He doesn't understand why he has to fill out all these forms if he's not even related to Ashton, he probably won't won't even know half the stuff. He decides that he should really call Luke now anyway, the forms can wait. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials Luke's number.

"Michael! Jeff told me what hospital you're at we're almost there! What's going on? Is he dying? Can they save him?" Luke says, words barely understandable. You can hear the fear and worry in his voice.

"Woah Luke, slow down. They took him back and I think they can save him. He lost a lot of blood so they might need a donor or something. I'm not sure how anything works here, they handed me a bunch of forms and told me to fill them out to the best of my ability." 

"Okay, okay. We should all stay calm." Calum says.

"Cal? Am I on speaker phone?" Michael asks.

"Yeah, sorry Mikey I forgot to tell you." Luke replies.

"It's fine Lukey."

"I'm sacred guys," Luke whispers just loud enough of the phone to pick up, "I can't lose him."

"Do we even know why he would do this?" Calum asks, everyone has an idea but no one wants to say it out loud for Luke's sake. 

"I don't think he meant to go this far," Michael says remembering something he heard Ashton say in the hotel. 

"Wa-what do you mean?" Luke asks. 

"Well right after I ended the call with you earlier I picked him up and he kept whispering things like 'I don't want to die' and 'Lukey will save me, Lukey knows what to do' so those were probably his last coherent thoughts." Michael explains. 

"He probably didn't even notice how much he had done until it was already to late." Calum adds.

"But why would he cut in the first place? He was doing so well, he hasn't done anything like this in years. Since before haven I'm sure." Luke asks.

"Oh my god." Calum gasps. "Have you guys been on twitter recently?"

"No, what's going on?" Michael and Luke say almost at the same time.

"Well first off there's a hashtag going around that says 'keep cutting Ashton your trash' and a ton of people were posting in it a couple hours ago. There's also some really nice hashtags about him trending but I don't think he saw those." Calum explains.

"You mean... The fam pushed him to it?" Luke asks knowing that you'd have to be a fan to know about Ashton's history with self harm. 

"Not the fam Luke, these were either fans or well informed haters. There's a big difference between the fans and the fam and I'm sure the fam were the ones who got the two nice hashtags trending." Calum says.

"Guys? Are you almost here?" Michael says not wanting to be alone anymore. Everyone's allowed to be week sometimes right?

"Yeah we're getting out of the car now." Luke says. "I'm going to hang up, we'll be there in a minute, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. See you guys soon." There's a beep then all Michael hears is a dial tone. He still in shock about everything, he didn't even know that Ashton still struggled with self harm, it's been almost five years since the last time he's done anything like this. 

Michael puts his phone back in his pocket to stop himself from going on twitter to yell at all the haters. He wants to so badly but he knows that will only make things worse and it's not worth it in the end so he refuses to let himself do it. 

Michael waits for less than a minute before Luke and Calum walk in looking lost. He waves and Calum sees him dragging Luke over to the empty seats beside Michael. Luke's eyes are bloodshot, there are tear tracks down his face, and snot coming out of his nose. "You're a mess buddy," Michael says to him, "come on let's get you cleaned up a bit." He gently grabs Luke's arm and pulls him to the bathroom, leaving the clipboard with Calum. 

When they get into the bathroom Michael gets some paper towel, wets it down, and hands it to Luke. "He'll be okay Luke. He's not leaving you."

Hearing this Luke starts bawling again still attempting to wipe off his face. "Hey, hey. Lukey, please calm down. You don't need to get worked up over this come on Lukey." Michael pulls Luke into a hug and let's him cry into his chest. 

"Y-y-you-u k-kno-ow, A-ashy-y d-d-did t-th-this-s s-same-e t-th-thing th-three-e-e y-y-years-s a-a-ag-go b-b-b-but-t he-e-e w-w-was-s a-all-l b-by h-h-him-m-s-self-f." Luke finally finishes, struggling to speak through his sobs. 

It takes Michael a minute to realize that Luke meant the waiting, waiting to be told a loved one is okay. "Yeah, he did Lukey but Haven did it on purpose, Ashton didn't. He doesn't want to leave you Luke. He was just looking for a temporary escape." 

Luke nods into Michael's chest signaling that he understands but the tears keep flowing and flowing. 

"Come on Lukey, please calm down. You're going to give yourself a panic attack or something and then we'd have two boys in the hospital. You wouldn't want that would you?" Michale asks desperate to calm Luke down, this was usually Ashton's job but he can't really do it right now.

Luke pulls his face out of Michael's chest and grabs another paper towel to wipe away the tears and snot. "S-sorry ab-bout your s-shirt M-Mikey," Luke whispers seeing the snot and tears all over it. 

"It's fine Lukey," Michael says pulling off the sweater he was wearing over his t-shirt, "it was getting hot in here anyway. Now come on, Calum is probably wondering what's taking us so long." Michael says ushering Luke back into the waiting room. They see Calum hunched over the clipboard looking extremely confused. 

"W-what's wrong C-Cal?" Luke asks, sitting down next to Calum Michael on the other side of Luke.

"I don't know any of these things. How do they expect us to know all this?"

"Well they don't Cal. When they handed it to me they said to fill it out to the best of my ability so really they only want you to write what you know." Michael answers in a polite whisper, not wanting to disturb the other people in the room.

"Oh okay, here Luke you probably know more than I do." Calum hands the clipboard and pen to Luke.

"Oh okay, I don't really know like his medical history though. We've only been dating a year and half." 

"Just fill out what you can. I'll go see if I can find some snacks," Michael says standing up. He pats Luke on the shoulder as he walks away.

Luke looks down at the forms and sees that Calum only filled in the "name," "birthdate," and "occupation" spots. "Good job filling this out Cal." Luke says with a forced chuckle. 

"Hey, I tried my best!" Calum replies defensively. 

"I know, I know. What do I do with this once I fill our all I know?"

"I'm not sure. We probably bring it up to the desk over there." Calum says pointing at the receptionists desk.

"Oh yeah, that makes sense." Luke mumbles, voice fading as he concentrates on the papers in front of him. 

Michael comes back not to long later with enough snacks for all four of them, "why'd you get so much food Michael?" Calum asks.

"I wasn't sure if you guys had eaten since breakfast. Sometimes when you go out song writing you get so in the zone you forget to eat lunch."

"I'm going to go give this to that lady." Luke says gesturing to the receptionist that Michael had talked to earlier. He walks over to the desk and clears his throat to get her attention. "Um hi, my friend brought my boyfriend in earlier and you gave him this to fill out?" Luke says sounding more like a question. "We've finished as much as we can but we're still confused what's going on, we're not from here as you can probably tell by the accents. Will we be able to see him soon?" Luke hands the clipboard to the lady behind the desk. 

"Thanks for this" the lady says taking the papers out if the clipboard and setting them in front of her. "Are you family of the patient?" She asks while typing.

"Um, no. We're not but I'm his boyfriend and his family is all back in Australia. They won't be able to get here for a couple of days." Luke explains.

"Okay, well right now only family can be let in but I can have a doctor come and give you updates until he's allowed visitors."

"Oh, okay. Thank you." Luke says before walking back to his friends and repeating the information he was just told.

"This is so stupid why can't we be let in?" Michael asks frustrated.

"It's just like this back in OZ Mikey, remember? Ashy had to wait for three hours to see Haven." Luke replies, whispering Haven's name. 

"Yeah I know. This is so stupid though." Michael repeats. Just then Luke's stomach decides to growl quite loudly.

"Here Lukey, eat this." Calum says handing him a bag of Cheetos.

"I'm not hungry," Luke says pushing the bag away.

"Yes you are Luke. We all heard your stomach growl. Please just eat something." Michael pleads. 

"Fine," Luke huffs crossing his arms like a child but accepting the food anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

"Thank you for tuning in to channel four news at ten, I'm Cindy Smith. Tonight we have a special report. 5 Seconds of Summers Michael Clifford was seen carrying bandmate Ashton Irwin into Sunnybrook hospital this evening around six pm with fellow bandmates showing up about a half an hour later. The band has made no official announcement on this yet, and have had no appearance on social media. There is now a horde of fans at the emergency entrance of the hospital making it difficult for patients to get in. The hospital staff asks that these fans please return to their homes and wait for an official report from the band itself. Now well go to, Mike outside of the hospital. Mike?"

"Yes, Cindy. I'm here outside Sunnybrook Hospital and as you can see there are a ton of fans out here. The hospital has been asking them to move all evening but we fear that none of them plan on leaving until Five Seconds Of Summer makes an announcement themselves. We'll keep checking in throughout the night to keep you updated on this situation."

Matt turned off the tv and picked up the phone to call an emergency phone meeting. He dials up Calum knowing that he is most likely to answer his phone. 

"Hey, Matt. I'm guessing you want to know what's going on with Ashton?" Calum says.

"No we'll get to that later but right now I need you, Luke, and Michael to tweet telling the fans outside the hospital to go home. No one can get in or out of that door and that's not good for the hospital."

"Oh wow, I didn't even realize that there might be fans outside. Yeah, yeah we can tweet at them, and maybe an apology to the hospital?"

"I like how you think Calum. Get on that please." Matt hangs up the phone and grabs his laptop pulling up google. He types "Ashton Irwin hospital" and clicks on news seeing how much damage control he's going to have to do. 

There are already articles on all the big name tabloids, sugarscape being the first on the list. He ends up spending hours reading all the articles, most of them being filled with made up stories and releases an official announcement on what's happening without going into much detail and making some things up, it's okay to lie to the fans to keep them from freaking out. 

Dear 5SOS fam,  
As most of you have heard Ashton has been admitted to the hospital. For the time being he is in stable condition and it's looking like he's going to be okay. He has not decided how much of the recent happenings he would like to make public at this point and we hope you respect his right to privacy. We well be sending out daily announcements to keep all of you updated on his condition. At this point we would like to make our sincerest apologies to the hospital for the issues the fans have caused and we please ask that any fans outside of the hospital return home. The hospital can not operate properly with so many people blocking the entrances. Please stay tuned for further updates.  
Love,  
5sos management.

Matt posts this message to tumblr, Facebook, and tweets a link to one of the two as well as sending it out in a newsletter email. Matt sighs running his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out how all of this happened. It's then that he realizes he never got an update on Ashton's condition from Calum.


	6. Chapter 6

Calum moves the phone from his ear a bit confused, Matt hung up before he could hear about Ashton. Oh well, he'll call back later. Calum then opens up twitter and writes a tweet asking the fans outside the hospital to please go home. 

"Michael," Calum whispers not wanting to wake the sleeping Luke in his lap. The poor kid cried himself to sleep.

"What Cal?" Michael asks also in a whisper.

"Matt says to tweet telling the fans outside to go home. Do you have Luke's twitter on your phone?"

"Yeah I do, you want me to tweet it from him too?"

"Yeah, I'll send one from the band account." Calum replies going back to his phone. Luke tries to roll over in Calum's lap and almost falls of the chair Calum catching him at the last minute. 

"Wa-what?" Luke mumbles.

"Nothing buddy, go back to sleep." Calum says positioning Luke comfortably on his lap. Luke closes his eyes and is asleep in seconds, stress and worry making him even more tired than usual.

"Hey Mikey?" Calum asks.

"Yeah?"

"Why haven't we heard anything about Ashton yet?"

"I don't know Cal. At least now we can assume no news is good news."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. They'd tell us if he died. Right?" Calum asks looking for the reassurance they all need right now.

"Yeah, I'm sure they'd tell us. They'd want us out of their waiting room."

"That makes sense. Thanks Mikey."

"No problem Cal-cal." Calum doesn't even have the heart to remind michael of how much he hates that name.

"Luke's taking this really hard." Calum says, changing the topic.

"Yeah, he is. I feel bad for him. Ash never wanted this to happen."

"Do you really believe he didn't mean to go this far?"

"Yes, I really do. If he had wanted to die he wouldn't have called Luke or gone and gotten me. He would have cut more, making sure he wouldn't live through it. I'm sure he just got carried away and then freaked out and called Luke."

"Okay. We need him to make it. There's no 5sos without Ashton."

"There's really not, we need that kid." Michael says sighing, "I just wish he would have called Luke or even came and gotten me before he decided to do anything. Then we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Yeah but think about it from his position, me and Luke really don't like to be disturbed during song writing so to him calling Luke was not an option and he probably didn't know that your dare called and canceled on you so then you're not an option either. To him there was no one he could go to, he was alone."

"Well he could have talked to security or called Matt. He had so many other options he never even considered."

"Are we really going to waste our time being mad at him for doing this? It's kinda pointless. It's in the past so all we can do now is hope. Hope that he survives. Hope he makes a full recovery. Hope this doesn't bring back all of his bad habits. Hope that we, as a band can get through this."

"You're right. Thanks Calum. You always know just what to say." Michael says reaching over to mess Calum's hair.

Just then the door to the waiting room opens and a doctor (or nurse) shuffles through some papers. "I'm looking for the people here with Ashton Irwin." 

"That would be us." Michael says standing up knowing Calum can't with Luke in top of him.

"If you wouldn't mind following me through here, the doctor would like to talk with you."

"All of us?" Michael asks.

"Yes, if that's no trouble." 

Michael nods and picks Luke up off Calum allowing the other boy to stand up. The movement of being picked up causes Luke to wake again but Michael continues to carry him over to the nurse. "You awake enough to walk buddy?" Michael whispers to Luke.

Luke nods so Michael sets him on his feet, he sways a bit before steadying himself. He then yawns and rubs his eyes like a child and it takes all Michael has not to coo at him. The nurse realizes that they're all ready and says "right this way" before walking off down the hall. 

The three boys follow the nurse down the hall, Luke's still a bid out of it so Calum put his arm around him to keep him up. The hallway seems to go on forever with an endless amount of turns.

"Okay, here we are." The nurse says opening a door and ushering the boys in. They walk in and see an office with a desk some chairs and a couch. "Please take a seat" the nurse says gesturing to the couch, the boys sit. "The doctor will be in shortly to talk with you." She says before walking out and closing the door.

"She seemed nice." Calum says trying to break the tension in the room, it didn't work.

"He's okay right? They didn't say anything while I was sleeping?" Luke asks franticly. 

"I'm sure he's okay Luke and no they didn't say anything, we would have woken you," Michael replies.

The door opens before Luke can say anything and the nurse from before walks in, "the doctor I'd going to be a bit longer than expected. We're sorry for the inconvenience but would like to offer refreshments as an apology, can I get you boys any thing? Water, snacks?" She says, sounding strangely rehearsed. 

"Um yah, could we each get some water and maybe some chips or something?" Michael asks having ran out of snacks hours ago.

"Sure, I'll be back with those in just a moment." The nurse walks out shutting the door harder than she probably should have.

"Well isn't she a bundle of joy." Calum says.

"Yeah, she was very rude. Maybe she's on her period." Michael replies.

"Michael!" Luke says while laughing. "You shouldn't joke about that she might hear you! You never know she could kill us with her period powers!"

"Or just poison our water and snacks, really Luke period powers? Someone needs more sleep." Calum laughs at Luke's stupidity. 

"Hey I thought it was funny." Luke says pouting like the child he is inside.

"It was very funny Luke," Michael pulls Luke into his lap, "no one makes fun of my baby brother! Not even Cal-Cal!" 

"You both need some rest you're acting like you're three." Calum replies thinking he's the only sane one left of the three. 

"Cal, Luke's fallen asleep again." Michael whispers, "he must be taking this really hard."

"The poor kid, you'd think he'd be better under stress from experience with the band and going through all the drama of being gay but he's really not." Calum replies.

"Yeah, when was the last time he actually acted his age today?"

"I'm not sure, probably around the time we got to the hospital." Calum is interrupted by the door opening again and the period nurse coming back in.

"Here are your waters and snacks," she says handing Calum three water bottles and three bags of chips. 

"Thank you," Calum says but the nurse is already gone. "Wow, seriously what's got her panties in a bunch?" He asks handing Michael a water and some Doritos.

"I really don't know." He takes a sip of water, "should I wake Luke up to eat?"

"No, I'd say let him sleep. We can wake him when the doctor gets here."

"Yeah, okay. Save the Cheetos for him, you know he loves those." Michael gestures to one of the bags sitting in Calum's lap.

"Yeah okay, I like Lays better anyway." Calum opens his chips and eats a few not really tasting anything. The boys end up waiting at least another thirty minutes before the door opens again this time revealing the doctor. Michael gently shakes Luke to wake him, knowing he'll want to hear what the doctor has to say.

"Hello boys," the doctor says pulling a chair over to the couch so he can sit across from the boys. They all mumble their own "hello's" back. "Okay, so we've already heard the story of what happened so we don't need to worry about that, but I'm assuming you'd like to know how your friend is doing?" The doctor asks.

"Yah, that'd be nice." Luke says, annoyed that they haven't been told already.

"Okay, so Ashton had lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion. Luckily we had enough of his blood type on hand so we didn't need to look for a donor. Right now Ashton is resting, he needs to regain his strength before he's allowed any visitors. Also he will be put on suicide watch for the length if his stay." The doctor explains. "Any questions?"

"He's going to be okay?" Luke asks.

"Yes, you're friend is going to be fine. He should make a full recovery with the next couple days."

"So when can he leave?" This time it's Calum asking.

"That's still to be determined, he should be free to go in no later than a week."

"Okay, when can we see him?"

"Well for today, visiting hours are over but you can come back tomorrow at eight and you should be all set to see him. I suggest you boys go back to your hotel and get some good sleep so you're well rested tomorrow when you see your friend." With this the doctor walks out, not bothering to see if the boys have any more questions. 

Michael moves Luke off of him so he can stand up, "come on guys, let's go back to the hotel. We can come back first thing tomorrow."

"No, we have to stay here. What if Ashton needs us?" Luke asks.

"We won't be able to see him anyway Luke, there's no point for us to stay here tonight." Calum explains. 

"Yeah come on Luke, let's go." Michael adds.

"No, I'm staying here." Luke pouts.

"Luke if you act like a child were going to treat you like a child." Calum warns while Michael gets ready to carry Luke out.

"No! I'm stating here!" At this Michael picks Luke up carrying him bridal style out if the room, Luke fighting to get out of his arms.

"No! No, I don't want to go!"

"Luke, please calm down. We're going to come back first thing tomorrow morning. You'll still get to see Ashton." Calum says trying to get Luke clam down so he doesn't fall out of Michael's arms.

Trying to remember the rout they took to the room while carrying a fighting Luke proves to be very difficult for Michael. Giving up he decides that the only way to get through this is with a sleeping Luke. Michael starts singing quietly to Luke, to sing hime to sleep while Calum goes ahead to try and find the way out.

"When we both fall asleep, underneath the same sky. To the beat of our hearts at the same time, so close but so far away. Can you hear me. She sleeps alone, my heart wants to come home. I wish I was, I wish I was beside you." He only sings a couple lines before Luke's asleep still tired out from the stressful day but even more so from his fighting.

Now that Luke is finally asleep Michael and Calum walk out of the never ending hallway and back into the waiting room. They find their security almost immediately and go to the entrance to try and fight their way out.


	7. Chapter 7

Surprisingly there were no fans outside, they must have listened to the announcement and gone home. Well that or they're at a different door. The boys have no problem getting to the car due to the lack of fans. Once in the car Michael sets Luke in the seat next to himself and buckles him in. They normally don't wear seat belts but with Luke in the condition he's in he needs one, that and he can't hold himself up while sleeping. 

For some reason the drive from the hospital seems longer than the one there. That's probably combined factors of speeding on the way there and leaving Ashton behind. Maybe some adrenalin too, that wouldn't be a surprise. When they finally get back to the hotel Luke is still sound asleep so Michael picks him up and carries him inside. There's only a small smattering of fans and they just say hi, not bothering to sign anything or take any pictures. The fans should understand. Once in the elevator the boys start talking, mostly just trying to fill the horrible silence.

"You think he'd be okay on his own?" Michael asks gesturing to the boy in his arms.

"We have no clue what state of mind he's going to be in in the morning. It's probably best to keep him in our room tonight." Calum replies.

"Yeah, good point. We can shove the two beds together and sleep on one giant bed together, like the old days remember?"

"Yeah but now the bed is going to be a little bit emptier."

"But Ash is going to be okay. The doctor said so himself. He's going to be fine. We don't need to worry." Michael says, mostly trying to reassure himself.

The elevator dings to tell them they've reached their floor, the doors open and the boys walk out. They walk down the short hallway to Calum and Michael's room, open the door, and walk in. Michael lays Luke down on one of the two beds. "Wow, my arms hurt." He says.

"Well you were carrying Luke a lot today. He's not as light as he looks." Calum replies. "Now help me move this bed."

Michael dramatically flops down onto the bed Calum is trying to move, "nooooo, my arms hurt to much."

"Fine, you don't have to help but you do have to get off."

"Fine," Michael says getting up and flopping down next to Luke. Calum pushes the second bed right next to the one with Mike and Luke on it making sure to get the two as close as possible. 

"There we go." Calum says standing up and going over to his suitcase. "I'm going to shower."

"Okay, have fun." Michael says rolling over and taking up as much space on the bed as possible. He hears the shower turn in and Calum singing a bit before the world just kind of fades. He's not asleep but in that weird half asleep half awake state where you never really know what's going on. 

Not long later Calum shuts off the shower and gets out. He dries off and throws on a clean pair of boxers before going back into the main room. He's greeted with both Luke and Michael asleep on the mega bed.

Laughing to himself he walks over to Luke and gently removes his shoes and jeans to make the boy more comfortable. Then he goes over to Mikey and does the same. Deciding that he's to tired to watch tv before bed like usual he walks over to the light and shuts it off. He then tries his best to walk back to the bed without tripping over any if the mess that he and Michael had left on the ground. 

When he finally makes it back to the bed Calum moves Michael to the far side puts Luke in the middle and gives himself the other side. Sighing he crawls under the covers, pulling them over the two sleeping boys in the process and falls asleep.

-

Luke wakes up tangled between Michael and Calum, somehow both of them gravitated to him during the night and now he's trapped between the two. Still in a sour mood from being forced to leave the hospital the night before he shoves the two off if him and walks to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom he does his business and brushes his teeth hating the taste of his morning breath. He then exits the bathroom and flops back on the bed, right on top of Calum and Michael to wake them up. It was now 7:39 and if they wanted to be at the hospital in time for visiting hours to start they need to leave soon. He hears two groans from beneath him.

"Wake up you lazy butts we have to go!" He yells getting off his friends.

"What time is it Lukey?" Michael asks.

"Seven forty! Wake up!" Without realizing it Luke has gone back to his little kid voice and attitude due to all the worry and stress of Ashton being in the hospital. 

Groaning Michael and Calum get up and go to get dressed. "If you want to go anywhere you have to get dressed Lukey." Calum points out.

"Oh yeah! I'm going!" Luke yells before spinning around looking for his suitcase. "Umm, where's my stuff?" He asks.

"Oh, it's in the next room over. I'll take him Mikey, you can shower if you want." Calum says giving Michael the opportunity to wake up knowing how hard mornings are for him. 

Calum takes Luke across the hall to the other room and helps him find some clothes to wear.

"Cal-Cal! I have to go potty!" Luke says doing his own rendition of a potty dance. Knowing Michael is most likely in the shower next door he points Luke in the direction of the bathroom in this room.

Luke walks to the bathroom, opens the door and gasps loudly before turning around and running back to Calum tears streaming down his face.

"C-cal-l w-w-what ha-happened-d? It's-s a-all y-yucky!" Luke says recognizing the blood all over the floor.

"Oh, Lukey I'm sorry. I forgot that bathroom was yucky." Calum says mentally slapping himself for allowing Luke to go into the bathroom. "I'm so sorry Lukey. Please calm down." Calum whispers to Luke, rubbing his back. Calum feels like shit for forgetting about the blood and allowing an already fragile Luke to see that.

"W-was t-t-that A-Ashy's-s bl-bl-blood-d?" Luke whispers peeking his head up from Calum's chest. 

"Y-yeah, I think it was Lukey." Calum replies sorrowfully.

This sends Luke into full on sobs. Clutching at Calum as tight as possible Luke cries into his chest. Calum holds Luke back as tight as he can, searching for comfort in each other. 

Michael finally finishes his shower and exits the bathroom to find the room empty, remembering that Calum and Luke went next door for Luke's clothes he decided to take his time to get dressed. He digs through his mess of a suitcase for something to wear, his towel falling off his waist in the process, ignoring that he finds some clean boxers, a random band t-shirt, and some black skinny jeans. Michael struggles to get the jeans on having to jump up and down multiple times just to get them in place.

Once he's fully dressed Michael walks across he hall to find Luke and Calum sitting on the ground holding each other and crying, Luke only half dressed.

"Wa-what happened?" Michael asks walking over to the two.

"I forgot about what Ashton did and let him go in the bathroom." Calum says. Michael takes Luke from Calum's arms allowing Luke to cling to him like a koala.

"Lukey, please calm down. Calum is very sorry he let you see that, he didn't mean to. Ashy's fine remember? The doctor said that we can see him this morning. Would you like to go see Ashy?" Michael whispers to Luke shooing Calum towards the bathroom hoping he'd get the memo to clean it up.

Luke whispers out a small "yes please" that Michael can barely understand through his tears.

"Okay, well if you want to go see Ashy, you have to be a big boy? Can you do that?"

Luke shakes his head no.

"Okay, well can you try? You know Ashy wouldn't want to see you sad. He doesn't like it when you're sad."

"O-okay." Luke whispers. Michael gently sets Luke down on the bed and grabs the clothes Calum set out for the boy. 

"What do you want to wear Lukey boy?" Michael asks. "Do you want these or these?" He holds up a pair of black skinnies and a pair of grey sweatpants. He knows no matter what age Luke's brain is acting he will always pick the black skinnies but he still likes the option to pick.

Luke points to the skinny jeans Luke Michael had thought he would. "Okay, do you want to out them on by yourself like a big boy?" Luke nods so Michael brings the jeans over to him and watches as he struggles to pull them up, refusing any help. Finally Luke gets his jeans in place accepting the hoodie Michael handed him and putting that on two. Michael sees Luke struggling with the zipper so he offers his help and Luke gives in this time.

"Thank you Mikey." Luke says. For some reason even when Luke goes into "kid mode" as they call it he still talks just fine. The only way you can tell he's in kid mode is his actions, he doesn't like to listen to what he's told to do, he cries much easier than normal, and often falls asleep at random times. Well that and his refusal to call anyone by their actual name, they all get nicknames.

Calum then emerges from the bathroom with a solemn look on his face. "Okay, that's all cleaned up. I'm going to change then we can leave." Calum walks out and back to his and Michael's room to get changed. 

"Mikey!" Luke whispers, but it sounds like more like talking than whispering.

"What's wrong Lukey?" Michael asks.

"I still have to go potty!"

"Oh, come here Lukey. Let's go." Michael says reaching for Luke's hand. Luke takes his hand and follows him across the hall to the other room.

"Hey Cal." Michael says. "There you go Lukey, this bathroom is better I promise." 

Luke hesitantly walks into the bathroom forgetting to close the door. When he walks out of the bathroom Calum says "Luke, did you remember to wash your hands?" Luke shakes his no and goes back into the bathroom to do so. They hear the sink run and Luke walks out with dripping hands.

Calum hands Luke a towel from the ground to dry his hands. "Okay, are we ready to go now?" He asks.

"Yes! Let's go see Ashy!" Luke yells.

"Okay! Let's get a move on! We're already late," Michael says ushering everyone out of the room.

By the time they get to the hospital it's already 8:30 and Luke is begging to see Ashton. Michael goes up to the front desk while Calum waits with Luke. When Michael comes back he hands each of them a name tag with the word "visitor" written on it.

"We have to wear these but we can go see Ashton now." He says. "The lady says to go through the doors down the hall to the elevator then up to floor three. Once we're there somebody else will help us find his room."

So they do just that, Luke getting more and more impatient all the while. When they step out of the elevator they're greeted by another person at a desk, this one a male.

"Hello, how can I help you?" He asks with a smile on his face.

"We're looking for Ashton Irwin," Calum says trying to keep his voice from shaking. He's afraid to see Ashton. He doesn't want to see his best friend, practically his brother, looking small and fragile in a hospital bed, that's just something no one really wants to see.

The guy types something into his computer, probably Ashton name, then scrolls a bit before looking back to the boys and smiling again. "He's in room 354, just go down this hall, take a left, and it should be the fourth door on the right."

The boys thank him before walking away, following his directions. They only get lost once but are soon back on track and find Ashton's room.

"Should we knock?" Michael asks but it's already to late. Luke opens rhe door and runs over to Ashton who looks asleep.

Luke gently grabs ahold of Ashton's hand, "Ashy? Are you asleep?" He asks in his not so quiet whisper.

"Lukey?" Ashton asks voice gruff and sore, "could too get me some water?"

Luke grabs the cup of water, trying his best not to spill but still getting a few drops on Ashton. Ashton takes the cup and empties it, dribbling down his chin a bit. "Thank you Lukey." His voice already sounding a bit better.

Michael and Calum stand in the background, tears flowing down their faces because they see what Luke has yet to notice, the bandage warped around Ashton's left forearm.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit on the short side of things. Oh well hope you like it anyway :)

The boys spent the entire day in Ashton's room, mostly because Luke wouldn't leave his side and Ash was doing everything in his power to get Luke to grow up again. Around dinner time Michael and Calum announced that they were going to get everyone some real food to eat and asked Ashton if he wanted anything from the hotel while they were out.

"Um, yeah. Would you guys mind getting like my Nintendo and my laptop? You know what, just grab the backpack I usually bring in the car slash as a carry on. It should have everything in it." Ashton says.

"Sure thing, Luke you want anything?" Calum asks.

Luke just shakes his head 'no' still not feeling the best for some reason. Once Michael and Calum left Luke crawled up onto Ashton's bed, the other two boys refused to let him sit next to Ashton for some reason, a and cuddled into his side.

"Hey Lukey. How've you been?" Ashton asks.

Luke giggles at the silly question before answering, "I'm good Ashy" his smile on full display.

"That's good, I don't like it when my Lukey is sad," he pauses, "or scared. I'm sorry Lukey." Ashton now has tears running down his face, hating himself for all he's put like through recently.

"Why is Ashy crying? Please don't cry Ashy. Lukey is okay, promise" Luke says referring to himself in third person.

Ashton notices Luke's eyes glistening with tears about to fall and pulls Luke into a kiss, usually he refuses to Luke when he's not himself because to him it kinda feels like he's being a pedophile or something but now he feels like this might be the only way to bring normal Luke back. He knows he was right when Luke starts kissing back and by kissing back I mean _kissing back_. Luke then straddles Ashton's waist and brings the kiss to a whole new level. They then pull apart and Luke rests his forehead against Ashton's.

"I'm so sorry Ashton." He whispers and Ashton know for sure now that he's back to normal. "I know you don't like kissing me when I'm like that, I'm sorry." Luke says again his tears starting to reappear. 

One tear slips down Luke's cheek and Ashton kisses it away, "don't apologize baby. It's my fault you were like that in the first place. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"No, it's the horrible people who were saying those horrible things to you who should apologize. They had no right to say any of that stuff. They were so mean to you Ashy, I would have done the same thing if I was in your place."

"I didn't want to kill myself Lukey, you have to believe me when I say that. I just got lost inside my head and didn't realize how much I had done and the second I came to my senses I call you because I knew you would know how to fix the mess I had gotten myself into and you did. You saved me Lukey, if you hadn't told me to go get Michael then I probably would have died there, in that hotel room. So thank you, thank you so much. You mean everything to me and I'm so happy that I can still see your face and hear your laugh and kiss your lips because of I had died I wouldn't be able to do any of those things. Th-" Luke cuts Ashton off with a kiss, the tears running down each of their faces mixing together. This kiss has no lust, just passion, love and thankfulness. Each thankful for the other and that they have each other. 

"I love you so much Ashton. I know we say this all the time but you are my entire world and I don't know what I'd do without you. As you could probably tell, I don't even respond well to you being in the hospital." Luke laughs at himself. "Why do I even do that little kid thing? I don't get it."

"I don't know but it's cute, you're all needy and you always call me Ashy it's just cute. I like little Luke."

"Well that's good because apparently I'm not good with stress and we get a lot of stress with our fame." Luke laughs at his lame attempt at being funny. "I really wanna kiss you again."

"Then do it," Ashton replies leaning towards Luke. Luke leans in the rest of the way connecting their lips. The kiss starts out gentle and loving but soon becomes heated. Luke's hands are in Ashton hair and Ashton's have found their way to Luke's hips. Luke brushes his tung against Ashton's lips asking for entrance but being denied. Luke then tugs on Ashton's hair making the smaller boy gasp, taking this as acceptance Luke licks into Ashton's mouth. The kiss gets more heated when Luke accidentally grinds down onto Ashton. They both moan into each others mouths from the pleaser, the two of them only now realizing how turned on they are. Luke grinds down again, this time on purpose and removes his mouth from Ashton's to suck on his collarbone. 

"L-Luke, w-we can't." Ashton says still panting from the kiss. "Anyone could walk in."

Luke kisses Ashton's mouth again, "Don't," kiss, "care," kiss. 

Ashton pushes Luke back just a bit, "really Lukey we can't"

Luke ignores Ashton and pushes his hands away, leaning back in to kiss again, "yes we can Ashy, it's fine. No ones going to come in." 

Finally Ashton gives in and kisses Luke getting just as lost in everything as Luke is. "I love you so much Lukey," Ashton says while Luke sucks on his neck moving to his sweet spot. Ashton gasps and pulls Luke's face back to his causing Luke's crotch to rub against his again. They continue to suck face while grinding on each other. 

-

Calum and Michael are on their way back to the hospital when they realize they forgot food, the main reason they left in the first place. They pull over at the first restaurant they see which happens to be subway. They get whatever they think Luke and Ashton would want before ordering for themselves and paying. The take the subs and put them into Ashton's backpack knowing that they're probably not allowed to bring food into the hospital. They gat back into the car and arrive in a couple minuets. Once at the hospital they just walk over to the elevator and go up to Ashton's floor, having no problems finding the room now. They open the door and are met with a sight they were hoping to never see, Luke and Ashton basically having sex with clothes on.

"Oh my god! Stop now! Please!" Calum yells covering his eyes.

"Yeah, really! This is not something we want to see!" Michael adds.

The two boys that were "having sex with clothes on" are now as far apart as they can be while on a hospital bed both of their faces bright red.

"You're just jealous you can't get any of this," Luke says cheekily, a smirk coming into his face. 

"Yeah because he's mine," Ashton adds wrapping an arm around Luke.

"Sure, that's what it is." Calum says, "but it's nice to see you're back to normal Luke."

"We brought food but you don't get any until Luke gets off that bed because I don't trust either of you." Michael says.

Luke reluctantly climbs off the bed and into the chair next to it, "happy now?"

"Yes, here's your sub." Michael passes the subs to their intended owners and every one digs in. 

"Thank you Mikey," Ashton says, "I'm so glad we all know what any of us would want at any fast food restaurant, it makes life easier."

"That is very true," Luke adds with his mouth full of pizza sub.

-

The boys spent the rest of the night in Ashton's room just chatting about anything and everything and enjoying every minute of it. At quarter to ten a nurse comes in and tells the boys that visiting hours are almost over and asks them to "please make your way out of the building." 

"No! Please let Luke stay!" Ashton pleads with the nurse. "It's so lonely here and I don't like being alone, especially not now." Ashton is now looking at Luke begging him to understand what he's talking about. 

Luke doesn't get it but Calum does, "yeah, miss nurse lady, please let Luke stay with Ashton. They really need each other now."

"I don't have the authority to let anyone stay but if you make a good enough case to the doctor he might give in," she says.

"Can you please get him for us?" Luke asks.

"I'd be happy to." 

Apparently they make a good enough case to the doctor because Luke is allowed to stay and as soon as everyone had left the room he crawls back onto the bed with Ashton cuddling into his side.

"I'm so glad they let you stay"

"Me too, you shouldn't be alone now."

"In four days it will have been three years ago that I lost my first love Lukey." Tears Ashton didn't even realize were there are now dripping onto Luke's shirt.

"I know Ashy." Luke kisses the tears away, "are you sure you weren't trying to join her?"

"No... I don't know. Maybe subconsciously I was but then I thought about you and I realized how bad I screwed up. I may have thought she was important but you are so much more to me. You know, I was thinking about it the other day and I'm pretty sure I had a crush on you before I met Haven but she was fun and outgoing and she distracted me from my sexuality crisis and somewhere along the way I fell for her but at the same time I fell for you."

"I think the first time it occurred to me that I may like you as more than a friend was when you told me you thought you loved Haven and Ash that killed me inside. I should have been happy for you but I couldn't even force myself to be. I knew that we were meant for each other I don't know how but I did. I think maybe the whole thing you went through with her was fate trying to bring us together and it was never meant to play out that way but Haven had a bad habit of testing fate and just pushed it to far that last time."

"That's really beautiful Lukey. How'd you ever come up with that?"

"I have a lot of time to think, you sleep a lot more than I ever have." They both giggle at Luke's lame joke. Luke yawns causing Ashton to yawn, "speaking of sleep, maybe we should get some."

"Yeah, sleep sounds good now." Ashton lays the two of them down and rests his head on Luke's chest, "goodnight Lukey."

"Goodnight Ashy." The two of them fall asleep all most instantly, tired out from the long day in the hospital.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short it just came to a natural end there.

Ashton is released from the hospital a few days later and everything goes back to normal, well as normal as it can be with four hyperactive teenage boys constantly followed by fans and paps. Ashton is still yet to decide how much to tell the fans and everyone is still waiting to know what happened. The "dreaded date" as Luke has begun to call it is getting closer and closer and he's really worried about Ashton. He doesn't plan to let Ashton out of his sight for the whole week.

"Hey, Ashy?" Luke asks.

"Yeah baby?" 

"Um, Matt wats you to decide what to tell the fans by the end of today so we can do a twitcam tomorrow and he can release an official statement."

"Oh, okay." Ashton says before falling back into his thoughts silence filling the air around them. "I-I don't know how much I should tell them Lukey." Ashton says sounding panicked. "I don't want to get more hate or have people thinking it was for attention or anything because it wasn't. Lukey what do I do?"

"Why you always come to me for advice is a complete shock to me because you're older than I am so by default you should know more than I do but I think that you should just explain what happened in as little or as much detail you feel comfortable sharing. Like obviously don't explain how you did it and I wouldn't recommend showing the scars but just explain. Just say what happened."

Ashton nods, "you and the boys will be there the whole time right?" Luke has only heard Ashton this vulnerable a few time in his life, most of them in the past week.

"Of course! Why wouldn't we be there? And if the feel like you're getting to overwhelmed then we'll jump in and you can just stop talking."

"O-okay. Thank you." 

"Here, you should probably call Matt now." Luke says handing Ashton his phone because Ashton still hasn't bought himself a new one.

"Yeah, okay." Ashton accepts the phone and calls Matt, putting it on speaker phone so Luke can hear too.

"Hello, Matt speaking."

"Um hey, Matt. It's Ashton-"

"-And Luke!"

"Yeah, Luke too. I was just calling to say that I've decided what I'm going to tell the fans."

"Oh, okay. Sweet, and that is? Sorry bud I need to know so I can write the press release."

"Um yeah, okay. I was just going to tell them the truth but like leave out some details..? Does that make sense?"

"I need a bit more that that Ashton. What exactly were you planing on leaving out?"

"I'm not sure I was just going to say whatever came out... Do you think you could just watch the twitcam and get what you need from that?"

"Yeah, I guess I can do that. I would have liked to have he press release ready to go before the twitcam but I don't want to pressure you so this is fine. Thanks for calling buddy. Do you need anything else?"

"What time are we supposed to do the twitcam?" Luke asks.

"I was going to let you boys decide that, make sure to tell the other two that there's an important, must attend, meeting over dinner today at the office. I'm sure all of you forgot about that."

"Haha, yeah, we may have. I'll tell the others and we'll be there." Luke says.

"Okay well if that's it I need to get going, lots of business to attend to before the meeting. Bye kids."

"Bye Matt" Luke and Ashton say in sync before the phone beeps telling them the call has been ended. 

"When are you going to buy a new phone?"

"Do I really need a new one? Can't I just use yours and Cal's and Mikey's? I'm not sure if I actually want a new one."

"Okay. I'm not going to force you to get a new phone but think about it okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Thank you" Luke pecks Ashton on the lips, "now would you like to come with me to remind the other boys of the meeting?"

"Do we have to do that now? Can't we just stay here and cuddle a bit longer?" Ashton lays down on the bed pulling Luke along with him.

"I guess we can cuddle." Luke says cuddling into Ashton's chest. 

"Lukey-y." Ashton whispers, his voice breaking a little at the end.

Luke rolls over in Ashton's arms so he can see his face, "what's wrong Ashy?" Luke reaches up and wipes some tears from Ashton's face.

"H-how am I going to tell them? They all mean so much to me and I don't want them to think it's okay or something because I've done it. What if they hate me for it? Lukey, what if I ruin the band? I'm sorry if I ruin the band." Ashton stops to take a deep breath having used all his air on his rant.

Luke speaks before Ashton can start up again, "you won't ruin the band Ashton. How could you think that? And if some fans decides to hate you because of this than they're not true fans and they're not even worth our time. Please don't worry about them Ashy. I love you, Mikey and Cal love you, all our families love you, and the fam loves you so who cares if a couple people decided to stop being fans? We don't want them here anyway." Luke kisses Ashton again and rolls the pair over holding Ashton close to himself.

"O-okay. I-I'll t-try-ry." Ashton says trying to calm himself down. 

The two of them stay like that for a while, cuddling in comfortable silence that was sometimes broken by Ashton's sniffles. After Ashton calmed down he whispers to Luke, "I love you so much Lukey. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you to Ashy and you don't have to worry about that because I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here as long as you'll have me."

"Well I don't want you to go anywhere."

"Then I'll be here." 

The two boys fall silent again and cuddle for as long as they can before they really have to go get Michael and Calum for the meeting.


	10. Chapter 10

Ashton's scared, like really scared. They're all sitting in Michael and Calum's room all piled on one bed with a laptop set up on the other. They're still trying to set up the twitcam, always having some trouble figuring it out. It's even harder for the others this time as Ashton is refusing to help and he's normally the one who does all of it.

While Calum and Luke fiddle with the computer Luke turns to Ashton and can see the the fear running through his body. He sits next to Ashton and pulls the smaller boy into his chest. "It's okay to be scared Ashy." He sighs, "you don't have to try to hide it."

"I'm sorry Lukey." Ashton mumbles turning to hide his face in Luke's chest.

"Don't be sorry Ashton. Hey. Let me see your face," Luke pulls Ashton's face from his chest and rests their foreheads together. "I love you Ashton."

"I love you too Lukey." Tears slowly drip from Ashton's eyes and and Luke wipes them away. 

"Hey, love birds. I'm sorry to interrupt but we've finally figured this out and you probably don't want to do that on camera." Calum says.

Luke quickly pecks Ashton's lips before separating, still sitting right next to each other sides still pressed together. 

Michael starts the twitcam and joins the rest of them on the bed, the number of viewers immediately starts to increase. "Is it working?" Instantly the get hundreds of replies with various forms of "yes." "Okay, sweet it's working, I'm going to tweet out the link the rest of you can like retweet it or something." Michael gets on the laptop and copies the link to the twitcam before pasting it into a tweet saying, "come hang out with us!" All the other boys retweet it.

This is when Ashton's nerves start to go into overdrive because they're live, he actually has to tell the fans what happened now. Of course Luke notices that Ashton has stiffened next to him and takes over the twitcam, deciding to get some announcements out of the way.

"Hey guys! This twitcam is going to be full of important announcements and we'll even do a little Q and A for you," Luke says. "Okay, first announcement!"

"We're going to start touring again real soon!" Michael interrupts. "No dates are being released yet but well keep you guys updated!" 

Calum looks at the screen seeing some people asking where they'll be touring, "well I see some of you guys are confused. All I can tell you right now is that it will be a world tour and we will come to as many countries as possible."

The boys keep talking about the tour and answering a couple questions, so far Ashton's been silent only laughing a few times. He's really not paying attention so when Michael lands in his lap he's throughly confused. "Ashy wasn't paying attention to me." He pouts.

"I'm sorry Mikey, what do you want?" Ashton asks probably not loud enough for the camera to hear.

"We're going to all go sit in the bathtub just like the old days! Remember hashtag in the bathtub with 5sos?" 

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Ashton now notices that he and Michael are the only ones in the room, Cal and Luke must have already taken the laptop to the bathroom.

"Hey, you sure you're okay?" Michael asks sincerely.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little freaked out and worried." 

"Hey, don't be. Everything will be fine."

The two walk into the bathroom and find Calum and Luke siting in the bathtub with the laptop on the counter. "You guys are idiots," Ashton says before joining them in the tub.

"We're all idiots Ash, this is nothing new." Luke says sliding closer to Ashton to make room for Michael. 

The bathtub is a tight squeeze for all of them but they make it work well enough. They decide to hold off on their other announcements for the time being, and do the Q&A hoping it would serve as a distraction for Ashton.

"Okay guys! We want to answer your questions soooo if you tweet us a question with the hashtag Ewokalypse we will answer them now! So gooooo! Start tweeting!" Luke says. 

"Really Luke? Ewokalypse? That's something I would have expected from Michael or even Ashton but not you." Calum says filing the silence.

"What? Star Wars are good movies!" He says raising his hands in defense. 

"Yeah Calum, what do you have against Star Wars?" Ashton adds

"Nothing, I love Star Wars. You know what, forget I even said anything."

"Guys! Stop bickering and answer some questions!" Michael shouts.

"This ones from @5sos4life she, I'm assuming you're a girl sorry, asks, 'what animal best describes the band?'" Michael reads out the tweet in a girly voice. "Well 5sos4life I'd say excited puppies."

"I was thinking more energetic squirrels." Ashton says.

"Ohh, that's good! I vote squirrels!" Luke yells.

"Well I vote puppies because puppies." Calum says expressing his dog obsession.

"Of course you'd say that Calum. We don't expect anything different from you," Luke says.

"Says you." Calum replies smirking at Luke and Ashton.

"What's up with all the bickering today? Is Cake going through a rough patch?" Michael asks causing Ashton's face to fall. He doesn't like when people bring up cake because he often fears that Luke will leave him for Calum.

"We're through Calum!" Luke yells jokingly. 

Calum gasps, "how could you! I thought what we had was special!"

"I never loved you Calum!" Luke yells pushing Calum away. "I've always loved Ashton." Luke pulls Ashton into his lap and kisses his head. 

"Awww, Lashton." Michael says putting his hands to his heart. "I ship it. Lashton is way better than Cake!" Michael says causing Calum to pout. 

"What about Malum?" Calum looks to Michael with his puppy dog face in full effect.

"That ones the best of them all." Michael dramatically kisses Calum's cheek causing the younger boy to blush. 

"Let's get back to questions!" Calum yells. 

"Here's one!" Ashton practically jumps up holding his phone. "What is your favorite part of touring?" He reads. 

"Um, my favorite part is meeting all the fans and getting to play a show almost every night."

"Wow Luke way to take like the only answer." Michael says laughing, "but I have to agree, the best part is getting to meet all of you guys and to play some awesome shows for you."

"I think we'd all agree those are the two best parts." Calum adds.

"I like getting to travel the world with my three best friends, I love you guys." Ashton says smiling at the boys, there's a collective 'aww' from the three other boys.

"We love you too Ash." Luke says, pulling Ashton more into his chest.

"Here's another one!" Luke says, "which member of the band would you most like to kiss?"

"Hmm, I say Luke!" Calum yells.

"What about Malum?! How could you Calum?!" Michael fakes sadness. "Since you pick Luke I pick Ashton."

"Well I pick Ashton too!" Luke yells sticking his toung out at Calum.

"And I pick you Lukey!" Ashton asks kissing Luke's cheek. 

Calum pouts and turns back to Michael, "I'm sorry Mikey, I pick you."

"No Calum. Malum is through. There's no bromances left for you." Michael turns away from the other three. "I pick myself now. I think it'd be awesome to make out with myself."

"Yeah... Okay." Ashton says awkwardly. "That's good to know..."

"Yeah Mikey, you're being weird now." Luke adds. 

"It's all Calum's fault! Why won't you love me!" He grabs Calum's cheeks and gives him an over exaggerated kiss on the lips. 

Calum shoves Michael off and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, "gross Mikey. No offense but I don't like you that way."

"Good because I don't like you that way either." Michael replies. 

"Was that really weird for anyone else?" Luke asks.

"Yes that was really weird for me too." Ashton replies.

"The fans say it was weird too," Calum says looking at his phone.

"Okay, this bathtub is too cramped, time to get out." Michael says standing up. The other boys follow suit and they end up back in the living room of the hotel room all piled on a couch with the laptop on the coffee table in front of them. 

"Okay guys, I'm sure you know what the main point of this twitcam is." Ashton says seriously. All the other boys trying to comfort him in any way possible. "Um, as most of you know I was in the hospital recently and you guys being the dedicated fans you are deserve to know why." Ashton says tears slowly dripping down his face.

"Do you want me to say it?" Luke asks wiping at Ashton's tears.

"N-no, I gotta do it."

"Okay, just know were all here and you can stop whenever." Luke gently kisses Ashton's head and let's him continue.

"Um, well. I was in the hospital because I almost killed myself." He let's out a deep breath. "I didn't mean to kill myself, I could never do that. I love the boys and you fans to much to ever leave you. But there was that hashtag trending on twitter and I didn't even know that people were aware of my past self harm. I just felt so broken down reading all those things I let the past consume me and honestly I had no clue what I was doing. All I really remember doing is reading the tweets and throwing my phone and then I was covered in blood." Ashton let's out another shaky breath and the boys cuddle him more. "I called Luke right away because I knew I had gone to far, farther than I ever intended and he calmed me down a bit before I got Mikey to take me to the hospital. I think I passed out in the car or something, I'm really not sure but guys, self harm isn't the answer. I know that now that this is coming out some people are going to try it out to be like me but please don't. It's such a horrible addiction and it's almost impossible to stop once you start so please please, I beg you guys, don't be as stupid as I was. Don't be like me." Ashton breaks down crying and Luke huddles him into his chest. 

"I'd like to add, if any of you are in a bad place where you think self harm is okay please talk to someone. We love all of our fans and don't want to see you hurt, let alone hurting yourselves. We love you guys so much and you mean the world to us. We wouldn't be where we are now without you guys and we can't thank you enough. But please talk to someone." Michael adds, the desperation evident in his voice. 

"Well, we didn't announce everything we were supposed to but that can wait. Sorry guys, Ashton really needs us right now so we're going to cut this short. Bye guys. Have a nice day." Calum ends the twit cam and closes the laptop as Luke carries Ashton over to one of the beds. 

"Hey baby, are you up for a band cuddly?" Luke whispers into Ashton's hair.

"T-that would-d be nice." Ashton whispers back.

"Hey guys, Ashton wants a band cuddle." Luke says in a slightly hushed voice lying down on the bed with Ashton, the older boy instantly curls into his side. Michael and Calum walk over to the bed and engulf Ashton in hugs finding a slightly comfortable position for all of them. 

"We're so proud of you Ashton. It takes a lot of guts to do what you just did." Calum whispers to the still crying boy. 

"Yeah Ash, that was awesome." Michael adds just as softly. 

The four of them lay there for the rest of the day, supporting Ashton and keeping him off of social media. At one point they turn on the tv and watch Spongebob in an attempt to cheer him up and it works so they keep the tv on in the background as they all talk about everything and nothing.


End file.
